Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Be"longing"

I was at a local park the other day with my younger daughter, just around lunch time. She had been stuck in her car seat for most of the morning, running errands and napping. As she is on the verge of walking, she loves any and every opportunity to move around (what typical almost one year old doesn't?). I was not used to seeing such a large crowd, since we typically go early in the morning. Anyway, there were babies everywhere, from about 8 months to 3 or 4 years. A couple of moms were using the bucket swings to feed their younger children, and there was a large blanket laid out next to a bench, with lots of snacks spread out for the kids. Apparently, it was some pre-arranged play group. And, as I observed the scene, I felt this sense of longing creep into me.

I had no desire, really, to talk to any of these women. Their lives seem so different from mine. I overheard a conversation about taking toddlers to see a show, and that seemed so foreign to me. My son's days are filled with preschool and therapies. My daughter's schedule revolves around my son's schedule. And my life revolves around the two of them. I try to provide my kids, my son especially, with as many typical experiences as possible. But, usually, these experiences need to be planned well in advance; but, there are only so many "free" days.

I longed for the innocence of motherhood without the trauma, without the loss, without the challenges of infertility. Of course, I know nothing about these women, nothing about their lives or what challenges they may have. I know only my reality....and that is far too much. I know that getting pregnant takes more than just talking about it. I know that getting pregnant is no guarantee that you'll stay pregnant, nor that you will deliver a healthy, full term baby. I know that babies die. I know that I can never know the future.




5 comments:

Jacqui said...

I feel the same way at times. From the outside it looks so much easier - doesn't it?

And to answer your question - yes I do get sick of being asked the same questions. Honestly, if Moo started to walk everyone would know about it. I would take a full page advertisement out in the local paper I would be so estatic.

niobe said...

Sometimes all those moms seem to be living in a bubble....

Angela said...

I can totally relate. We lost our first baby at 23 weeks, a little girl named Emma. Then 3 years later Jack was born at 25 weeks -- gravely ill, a three month NICU stay, and now CP and lots of delays...then Miss Morgan -- although a preemie with a scary infection she's doing well now. I look at the course of my life at times and wonder how others get it so "easy" -- my innocense is lost and I know all too well that bad things DO happen. On the other hand I couldn't imagine life any other way. I feel a deeper appreciation of EVERYTHING! We celebrate the "small" things and you bet like Jacqui there will be a full page ad in the paper the day Jack takes his first steps. I am so glad to have met amazing moms here in the blogging world. It keeps me sane most days! Lots of love to you and here's to our little "cyber play group"

Angela

Special Survivors said...

To Jacqui, Niobe and Angela --

Thank you for your comments. I find great comfort in our "cyber play group" (as Angela calls it).

Take good care everyone,
Heesun

Penny L. Richards said...

Hi Heesun--Found your blog from Reimer Reason--turns out we don't live too far apart, and I'm in El Segundo a lot. My kids are older than yours now, but I sure remember/recognize what you're describing. (And it sounds like we both spend a lot of time driving to CHLA, too.) If you ever want to have a visit, playdate, walk, coffee at the Blue Butterfly, Thursday farmers' market, whatever, I'm available.